Today is Day Four of Week Four of the Omer. That is
Twenty-five Days of the Omer. The Theme continues to be Happiness.
In thinking
deeply about those things in life that can be predicted to drive one towards
Happiness, it is difficult for my thoughts to stray far from the subject of
friendship. Few things in life are
better predictors of Happiness, than the forming of close and enduring
friendships.
The difficulty
of finding true friends was addressed as early as Cicero (106 BCE-43 BCE)
who wrote: Few men have true friends,
and few are worthy. True friendship is
splendid, and all splendid things are rare.
Many foolish men often think about money, few about friends; but they
wander: We are able to be strong without
money, but without friendship life is not strong and we are nothing. Cicero further wrote: Friendship improves happiness and abates
misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.
There are many,
more contemporary voices who have stated similar sentiments, but I’ll refrain
in order to allow you the pleasure of looking them up yourself. Suffice it to say that the idea that true
friends are a rarity, is an observation commonly made by thinking people in
every age. And yet, friends are really a
key to Happiness.
Why does it seem so difficult to make and keep true friends? I think that everybody will answer that
question differently. Most of us will
point to circumstances of our lives that have conspired to prevent us from
forming, and cementing, friendships. I’ve
got my own; want to hear my personal whinge on the subject? (If you’re not one of my Australian readers,
know that ‘whinge’ is ‘Strine’ – Aussie slang – for what we Americans call a ‘whine.’ So a ‘whinger’ is the equivalent of a ‘whiner.’) So, I’ve found it hard to form true friendships
because of my calling to the Rabbinate; people either relate to me as a
figurehead more than as a friend, or I determine that people whom I meet, need
a Rabbi more than they need a friend…and at the end of the day, I can’t be
both. Anyway, that’s my whinge. Everybody else will address their paucity of
friends in some different way. But the
truth is that we all lack friends for the same reasons.
We lack friends
because we expend our friend-making energies making, instead, contacts and
circles of influence. I know: these are business terms. And it’s not my purpose to demean or
criticise the process of building business networks. But building networks of friends is very
different. And it requires a very
different mindset.
When I think
back on all the friends I’ve had in my life – most of whom I still have,
even though I may not have been in close proximity with them for a long time –
I see commonalities in how the friendships got started. In all cases, the acquaintanceship that
preceded the friendship started because of some common interest. A mutual interest in Jewish life, for
example. A mutual occupation – Air Force
chaplain, for example. A mutual
recreational interest – ukulele playing or firearms marksmanship, for
example. Most friendships grew out of an
initial acquaintanceship resulting from some mutual interest. But how and why they then became friendships,
rather than remaining as acquaintanceships when so many other acquaintanceships
resulting from the same mutual interests did not – that’s an entirely different
matter.
At the end of
the day, true friendship does not come from shared interests. It comes from a touching of souls that simply
cannot be explained – or predicted. Let
me give you a couple of examples of my enduring friendships, to
illustrate. If the friends I’m
describing happen to be reading this and recognize themselves in my narrative,
I hope you don’t find it [too] embarrassing!
One friend is
someone I’ve known for almost 20 years.
I met him on my first day as a US Air Force chaplain; he was a colleague
at my first base. I remember saying to
him, once we’d introduced ourselves and he told me he was a Presbyterian: We’re going to be good friends. Now, I’m really not sure why I said that;
I’d not had a lot of friends before (or since) who were Presbyterians. But for some reason, that was my gut reaction
to meeting him. And it has proven to be
true! Apart from the fact that I met him
on my first day of active duty as a chaplain, there was nothing overtly in
common that suggested we would become such good friends. I was married with two young children; he was
– and remains – single. I am
introverted, he is a ‘flaming’ extrovert.
We have no particular shared interests – except perhaps that we’re both
foodies, and I guess that that’s something! – that would have led us to spend a
lot of time together. And yet, 20 years
on we remain in close contact. We have
been to Israel together, co-leading an interfaith tour. We’ve vacationed together (along with Clara
and our kids) in Moab, Utah. I look
forward with pleasure to the next time we will get together, may it be soon.
The other
friend I haven’t known so long: only
about seven years. We met because the
daughter of a member of the congregation I was serving (who wasn’t herself
Jewish) referred him to me for some questions about Judaism. He’s not Jewish either, rather a devoted
follower of Jesus of Nazareth who believes G-d has called him to live a life in
accordance with the Torah. So our
relationship began with him thirsting for knowledge about Judaism, and my
availability and willingness to share it with him. But the relationship ultimately became
something entirely different. Some
shared experiences, including a wonderful weekend camping trip with him and a
few other men, and just spending lots of time together talking about things, and
the deep touching of souls that happened along the way, turned this acquaintanceship
into one of those rare friendships that we cherish.
These are not
the only two friendships I can point to!
Any other friends who happen to be reading this, please don’t feel bad
about not making this particular ‘list’!
I thought that these two would best illustrate the mystery of true
friendship, and how unpredictable the process of forming those friendships can
be. In both cases, a commonality was
that there was no particular predictor that these would become my best friends. And yet in both cases, with time a deep
connection simply formed, and we both nurtured it with an unspoken bond of
mutuality.
Mutuality is really
the key to true friendship. Two can’t be
friends if one of the two is not seeking friendship. We form all kinds of acquaintanceships – some
superficial, some much deeper – that stem from a dovetailing of interests. We enjoy spending time with these
individuals. These acquaintanceships can
and sometimes do become friendships.
But it isn’t automatic. Sometimes
it simply does not happen.
Besides
mutuality of need and desire for friendship, there must be a
mutuality of position in the relationship. True friendships seldom develop between boss
and employee or superior and subordinate.
As my colleagues in the Rabbinate and in the ministry in general can
attest, true friendships seldom develop from friendly relations between them
and a member of their congregations. Many
colleagues warn against becoming friendly with congregants, because at
the end of the day, the clergyman or woman cannot be a true friend with
someone whom they meet thus. Personally,
I prefer never to say never in this matter, but my experience has largely born
the consequences of this truism. If a
true friendship is going to precede from an acquaintanceship formed under terms
of non-mutuality of position, it must at some point transcend that aspect of
relationship and ultimately become one of equals.
If you’ve been
reading my blog posts with any regularly, you’ve seen that I claim to be a
person largely driven by the quest for rational knowledge. Yet friendship essentially transcends
rationality. We cannot make a list of
the things that will make us cling in friendship to one person and not to
another. Let me correct myself; we can
make such a list, but at the end of the day many of those we end up
counting as our true friends would not have made the list.
We cannot predict
who will be our friends, but we can recognise the spark of friendship,
nurture it, and cherish it. There are
few surer ways to Happiness, than the forming of friendships.
No comments:
Post a Comment