Today is Day Seven of Week Three of
the Omer. That is Day Twenty-one of the
Omer. The theme of the Week is Happiness.
I know that I’ve
written about this before, but it bears repeating. And I know it bears repeating, because
no matter how many times I address the topic, we see people around us – people whom
we believe we have the power to influence – beset by this problem.
Comparing ourselves to others – in terms
of accomplishment, wealth, or just about any other measure – is as sure a route
to unhappiness as there is. Of the
unhappiest people we know and love, virtually all of them succumb to this
pitfall.
The problem with such comparisons is
that, no matter how well you’ve done in any particular area or how well-endowed
you are in any particular measure of looks, skills, or health, there is someone
out there whose measure exceeds yours.
So, looking at life as a contest to see whom you can best, is ultimately
a losing proposition.
Anybody who has
raised children, has likely experienced the ‘Johnny has more toys than I have/Johnny’s
family went to Disneyland and we didn’t/Johnny has a dog and we don’t/Johnny’s
house has a swimming pool and ours doesn’t’ comparisons between your family and
some friend or friends. Clara and I were
not exempt from this, despite my being a Rabbi!
And just like many of my readers surely reacted, when confronted with their
children’s comparisons of this nature, we reacted by telling our kids: Count your blessings! In other words, don’t play the game of
looking at ways in which you compare unequally to others, because you will
always lose. Rather, learn to celebrate
all the things that you have or are, because the truth is that each one of us
has so much.
I have a confession
to make. As many times as we told our
kids, count your blessings, it didn’t shut down the ‘Johnny has…’
comparisons. Maybe for a short while,
but not because they had actually internalised the lesson: rather, because they knew they weren’t
getting any sympathy from us. So, with
that experience behind me as a parent, why should I expect to get the lesson
across as a Rabbi? Do I expect more
success with adults? No, I really don’t. But still I repeat it, because it is an
eternal truth and I owe you nothing less.
Much has been
written about the folly of shielding ourselves from the fact that it is a
competitive world. In our present
culture of Political Correctness, we seem to go to ridiculous lengths to shield
ourselves, and especially our children from competition. Grades in school get inflated, lest some kids
feel like under-achievers. In youth
sports leagues, teams on incredible winning streaks find themselves
disqualified from competition for their success! Whilst all of this may start from a well-meaning
intent to shield kids from the crippling blow of losing at a young age, it is
often carried to absurdity. Yes, we
should teach kids not to compare themselves to others celebrate when they reach
a Personal Best even if it isn’t as good as somebody else’s. But we can’t shield them from the fact that,
at every turn in life, there are winners and losers. And nobody is going to win all the time. Even the Donald Trump’s of the world
fail. One argument used by the
detractors of his candidacy, is that he hasn’t been so consistently
successful, as his proponents want to think.
But whatever arguments one wants to make against voting for Trump, in
reality that’s not a very good one.
Because the quality of a person isn’t in whether he or she succeeded or
failed in every endeavour. Rather, it
rests in what kind of person emerged from the success or failure.
So the mindset of reaching for excellence and
self-improvement, but avoiding comparing oneself to others – in other words,
reaching for one’s Personal Best – is a healthy thing. But the competitive nature of the world is a
fact. So how does one square the need to
acknowledge that the world is competitive and that you won’t always win, with
the need to count your blessings?
And here’s where I
get to say, it isn’t rocket science. First
of all, you give yourself credit for what you achieve, rather than berating yourself
for what you did not.
Setting lofty goals
is a good thing. If you achieve
everything you’ve set as your goal, to the degree you set your sights on,
chances are you aren’t thinking big enough.
On the other hand, if you never achieve what you’ve aimed for then you’re
setting unrealistic goals. Your inner
self knows if your goals weren’t lofty enough.
And when they’re too ambitious.
So finding the balance between the two extremes – setting goals that
challenge you, but which are realisable with effort – is an important skill to
master. But even before that, do the
goals you’ve set, support the Core Values that you’ve established for
yourself? If not, it’s hard to get
excited about them. They have to be your
goals, and not somebody else’s.
Goals shouldn’t be
pipe dreams. For example, I’d love to
win the lottery as much as the next guy.
And I do occasionally buy a chance to win it. But if my sense of having succeeded in life
depends on my winning the lottery, then I’ve set myself up for failure.
Likewise, if my
sense of having succeeded in life depends on me besting someone else, then I’m
likely also setting myself up for failure.
And I’m going to end up with a sense of failure over a goal that was
patently unworthy to begin with. Why
would my own sense of self-worth depend on someone else? Why would I draw my own self-worth by seeing
someone else fail? Listen, I’m not
saying you should hang your head in shame for wishing ill on someone else, as
every one of us does at least briefly.
Rather, when we do think that way – and I say when, because
we will – we need to transcend it quickly and move on to more positive
thoughts about doing the best we can with the hand we’ve been dealt. But comparing ourselves to others, is nothing
but a dead-end street. Don’t waste your
life – and squander your chances for Happiness – by falling for it.
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