Today is Day Six of Week Two of the
Omer. That is Day Thirteen of the
Omer. The theme of the Week is Relationships.
If
you’ll indulge me a bit, I would like to stay on the subject of marriage a bit
longer. I have two reasons for not
wanting to move on. First, marriage –
and making marital relationships work and contribute to our happiness – is a
serious problem in our society today.
And second, Judaism has a lot to say about it.
I realize that, in staying on this
subject, I’m treading through a potential minefield. As I mentioned yesterday, I found this out in
one congregation where I once served, where at least one member thought I was ‘pontificating’
to even speak on the subject. And I
think I understand where this sensitivity – or perhaps, hyper-sensitivity
would be the more accurate term.
It is considered impolite to say or
write anything that seems to criticise the phenomenon of divorce, because some
readers will assume that the speaker or writer is criticising, by extension,
anybody who had been divorced. And
people who have survived divorce do not need criticism. More than that, they need support, empathy, and
friendship. That the legal process of
getting divorced is relatively easy, tends to hide the pain that it causes.
But it still needs to be said that
many divorces are unnecessary, and that they do not lead to a better shot at
happiness for those who dissolve their marriages. More likely the opposite. So, in a country, Australia, where one-third of
all marriages end in divorce, it is important to offer some insight on the
issues. (In the USA it is higher – 42% -
but also the marriage rate is higher.) But
it is important not to contribute to making divorcees feel guilty about the
breakup of their marriage.
Judaism, as I mentioned above, has a
lot to say about marriage and divorce.
The two great sages of two millennia ago, Hillel and Shammai, were
discussing the permissible grounds for divorce.
Shammai, ever the more stringent of the two, suggested that only
unfaithfulness by the wife was valid grounds.
Hillel, as usual, disagreed. He
opined that a man could divorce if his wife spoiled the soup!
No Jewish authority who is actually
involved in the process of marriage law thinks that spoiling the soup is a good
reason for divorcing. When we read
Hillel’s words, we understand his greater point to be, that one should not feel
compelled to remain in an unhappy marriage.
If a couple is incompatible, they should not see themselves as stuck for
life. The point is that a husband who
wants a divorce should not be compelled to drag his wife through the mud just
to get a divorce.
But that does not mean that any
Jewish authority would like couples to get divorced at the drop of a pin. Especially if the couple has children
together, the principle is that they should be encouraged to preserve their
marriage and work to make it happy. But
nobody wants them to feel chained to one another for life, if they really wish
to part.
Although in general society, marriage
is seen to be quite optional today – couples experience little stigma or legal disadvantage
if they live together, buy property, and raise children together without being
married – marriage is still seen by many mental health professionals as being a
primary determinant of whether a person experiences happiness or not. That is, being married increases one’s chance
at happiness. But marriage will not make
a miserable person happy. Someone who is
fundamentally unhappy, will likely find no improvement in their life by getting
married. Rather, a good marriage will
help a person inclined towards happiness, to achieve it. That’s why we don’t push young people to
consider marriage early in life nowadays.
A person needs to ‘find themselves’ in order to bring a whole person to
their marriage when they finally meet the right person. If you don’t know who you are and what makes
you happy, how can you choose a life partner?
But unfortunately, many young people marry – either because of pressure
from families or because of fear that they will otherwise lose the ‘dream
partner’ whom they’ve found – before they’re really ready. And that’s not to say that a person ‘finds themselves’
at a specific age. One person can cross
this threshold at 20, another person at 30.
There’s no standard.
As a Rabbi, I don’t want Jews or others to
feel they must divorce because of a spoiled dinner. On the other hand, I don’t want people to
feel compelled to stay in marriages that are abusive, or patently unhappy. And if they do divorce, I don’t want them
to feel stained for life. I want single
people, married people, divorced people, and widowed people to all be able to feel
the mutual support of a sacred community.
Let’s learn to encourage and support one another, whatever one’s marital
status or history.
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