Happy Mother’s Day, Jewish Mothers: A Drash for Friday, 09 May 2014

On the Shabbat immediately preceding Mother’s Day, I always like to spend some time reflecting on the importance of mothers.  Because if I didn’t, my own mother would probably kill me!

          (Okay, so I’m clearly setting the tone for what will be a tongue-in-cheek drash.  Relax, suspend your seriousness, and enjoy!)

          The Jewish mother is a strange species.  There are very specific stereotypes about how a Jewish mother, in particular among all mothers, thinks and acts.  And most of them are not very complimentary!  Are they true?  Well, about as true as any other stereotype.  They wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some basis of truth.  But as stereotypes always do, they have become exaggerated over time.  And of course, not every Jewish mother fits the stereotype.

          If Jewish Mother stereotypes are not especially complimentary, they are at least funny – funny enough that an entire genre of jokes has been built up on the subject.  Actually, we Jews are known among the nations for our humour.  And there are important reasons why Jews in particular have dominated the field of, and succeeded in, comedy of all kinds.

          Not to shrey gevalt, but we Jews have a difficult history.  A history peppered with persecution and tragedy.  Not that we have a monopoly on both; not be a longshot!  But we have survived more than our share of persecution and resulting tragedy.  And over the generations, we have developed a knack for comedy as an antidote to the tragedy of our lives and condition.

          So an essential element of our Jewishness is the ability to laugh at ourselves.  Show me a Jew who can't laugh at himself, and I’ll show you a Jew who needs antidepressants!  It is healthy to learn to take ourselves just a little less seriously.  It helps us in the Great Slog that is life.  The more we can laugh at ourselves, the more adversity we can face and bear up to.

          So a series of stereotypes of the Jewish mother has crystalized over the generations, and we like to laugh at them.  And in doing so, we are not being less than reverent towards our mothers; we are simply finding a device for coping with them!

The first stereotype of Jewish mothers, is that they are overprotectivethey are overprotective.

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Little Sam wants to go outside and watch the solar eclipse.  His mother says:  Okay, Bubbeleh…but don’t get too close!

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Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy. 
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother. 
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies. 
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks. 
"Because he also told me that he was an atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in Hell." 
Her mother then says, "That’s all right Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

*****

          The next stereotype about Jewish mothers, is that they are cheerleaders for their children:

What is a genius?  An average student with a Jewish mother.

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          Of  course, this boosterism can be somewhat conditional:

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Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States—the first Jewish boy to reach the White House. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. 
Harry: Momma, guess what! I’ve just been elected president, won’t you come to my inauguration? 
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can’t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time. 
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please... 
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time. 
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come. 
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear! 
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s to make you look perfect. You must come!!! 
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come. 
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, “Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!”

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The next stereotype about Jewish mothers, is that they are pushy.

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Why do Jewish mothers make such good parole officers?  Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.

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There are two theories on how to argue with a Jewish mother.  Unfortunately, neither works.

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There comes a time in every Jewish man’s life when he must stand up to his mother.  For most, this comes at around age 45.

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Jewish mothers only offer advice twice:  when you want it, and when you don’t.

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Your Jewish mother is the only one who knows more about you, than you know about yourself.

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But probably the most prevalent stereotype about Jewish mothers, and the most popular source of jokes about them, is that they are expert at the art of imposing guilt.  For our Catholic neighbours, it is their religion that seems to be the source of guilt.  For Jews, it seems to be our mothers.

*****

Son (on the telephone):  Hi, Mum!  I was thinking about you and decided to ring you up!  How are your feeling?

Mother:  Well, I’m feeling much better than on the last 35 days when you didn’t think about me and decide to ring me up!

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If the Mona Lisa had been Jewish, her mother would have said:  So, after all the money we spent on the orthodontist for you, that’s the best smile you can come up with??!

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What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a vulture?  A vulture waits until you’re dead to eat your heart out.

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Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, “As an Italian mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time.”

“Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time.”

*****

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me – we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Love, Mum

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          It’s not a source of jokes about Jewish mothers, nor is it a stereotype at all.  But it is a truth that holds in experience after experience.  And that is that Jewish mothers are among the most devoted, giving, and longsuffering members of the human race.  Happy Mother’s Day to all Jewish mothers!  Shabbat shalom.