Today is Day Five of Week Two of the
Omer. That is Day Twelve of the
Omer. The theme of the Week is Relationships.
I know that I like to share ‘war
stories’ from my years as a chaplain, in particular from the many hours I spent
counselling individuals and sometimes, couples for relationship issues. So here’s another one: A young man came to see me. He wanted to complain about his
marriage. He wasted no time on
preliminaries; he got right down to the ‘meat’ of the matter: My wife and I fight a lot. I guess we have to get a divorce.
I was almost speechless. One thing that my calling has taught me is
this; just when I think that I’ve heard it all, I’m quickly disabused of that
notion as something else that I never imagined I’d hear, comes to my attention.
In the case of this particular young
man, that he was unhappy in his marriage and thinking about an endgame was not,
in itself, at all shocking. No, what
shocked me was the matter-of-factness of his presentation. And the assumption that, if a couple fights,
divorce is a foregone conclusion – even somehow ‘required.’
Conflict is almost a constant in
life. Almost every situation comes ripe
for conflict. If two or more individuals
are involved in a situation, there is almost guaranteed to be some
conflict. Each one of us has core
beliefs that spawn specific opinions and attitudes about any given situation. And each one of us has a unique set of core
beliefs and experiences, that translate into different ideas. I’m not trying to say that agreement with
others is a rare thing. What I’m trying
to say, is that total agreement with others, or even one other,
is a very rare thing. When there is
disagreement, and we are in a relationship with the other person where we have
to cooperate with them, then a number of different courses are usually
available. Person A might prevail. Or person B.
Or, a compromise between what person A and person B want, might be
reached. More likely than not, a
protracted discussion might ensure where persons A and B each try to convince
the other that his or her way would be the better course. When that happens, capitulation or compromise
is unlikely. We get very emotionally
invested in our opinions, and when we try to convince someone else to go our
way, we usually become more entrenched in our belief. In other words, in presenting our arguments
we often simply convince ourselves even stronger than we were convinced before!
So what is the solution in the case
of a conflict? Try this next time. Seek First to Understand, then Seek
to be Understood. Sound
familiar? It’s Number Five of Stephen R.
Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It wasn’t hard for me to look up, because
I keep the book on my Kindle and refer to it often. So instead of entering into a competition
where you and Person B try to convince one another that you’ve got the best
way, simply ask him or her to explain their thinking. And then, truly listen…and try to understand
where they’re coming from. You’d be
surprised how often it works! You
actually get your way more often using this method, because you diffuse
the conflict and the other person becomes as open to hearing you, as you to
them.
In any case, conflict in any relationship –
but particularly in a marriage – is a fairly constant reality. Unless one party to the relationship is
simply submitting his or (usually) her will to the other. But conflict does not necessarily lead to
fighting. ‘Fighting’ is an inefficient
way to try to solve a conflict, but many of us don’t have many other tools at
our disposal. So we fight. But ‘fighting’ – even fighting ‘a lot’ – does
not in any way disqualify a couple from being married or argue for them to
divorce. Because it reveals a low level
of skill in solving conflicts. So
divorcing for this reason, is almost a guarantee of more problematic relationships
to come. So it really doesn’t solve
anything.
The better prescription for a couple
that fights often, would be a course of therapy which would include some building
of problem-solving skills. Of course,
that’s work! But then, so are many other
endeavours that we do not dismiss. For
example, improving one’s golf game is seldom easy; it requires hours of instruction,
practice and patience. But many golfers
put forward the effort, because the see the potential gain of a much improved
golf game as being worth the effort.
Likewise, marriage – or any relationship
– requires work. So instead of whinging
about how it’s supposed to be fun, not work…just ask yourself: is the potential gain of a happy relationship
worth the effort. Yup. Right answer!
When that young man presented that
he and his wife were fighting ‘a lot’ and therefore perhaps it was time to get
a divorce, I immediately ask him if he didn’t think that marriage was important
enough to at least consider that the conflicts might be solvable…rather than
immediately turn tail and run? Put that
way, he agreed. We had something to
grasp for, something to work towards.
When I talk about divorce avoidance,
I know that I’m always taking a certain risk.
Many people have personally experienced divorce, and the ‘danger’ is
that they will immediately think I’m condemning them for their pasts. This never occurred to me until I once gave a
sermon on the subject, and as I walked out of the sanctuary after the service,
someone in the congregation said to me: Nice
sermon, Pontiff Don. In other words,
in speaking about divorce as something not necessarily desirable, and
definitely preventable in many cases, I was ‘pontificating.’ But that’s kind of silly. There’s a long stretch between using my
pulpit to encourage people to fight for their marriages, and condemning or
encouraging the ostracism of those who are divorced. Nobody should be weighed down by guilt for
past events in their lives which are simply facts. Rather, we should encourage those who have
not experienced the pain of divorce, to work to improve and preserve their
marriages.
And that’s the best advice you’ll
hear all day.
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