Counting the Omer: Wednesday Night, 8 June 2016/3 Sivan 5776

Today is Day Five of Week Seven of the Omer.  That is Forty-seven Days of the Omer.  The Theme is:  Seven Principles

Tonight we continue with the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  While the Seven Habits are not coined in specifically Jewish terms, when I was exposed to them I as a Jew found that they resonated deeply with me.  The book, by Dr. Stephen R Covey, provides a simple and do-able process for living a life in concert with the values that you have identified as your own.  That’s what this is about at its core:  tools to enable you to live out your values, rather than being constantly tossed around on the sea of contingencies.

Tonight’s Habit is:  Seek to understand…then to be understood.

Everybody wants to be understood.  We crave understanding from those around us.  Out of our need to be understood, we can busy ourselves night and day, explaining ourselves to everybody who will listen.  And therein lies the problem.

Most of us are so intent on being understood, of having people hear us, that we forget to listen to others.  How many times have you tried to explain something to someone else, and felt that they weren’t really listening to you?  That instead, something that you said had triggered in them thought about themselves and their own concerns?  I’m guessing that you have.  And I’m also guessing that you have been that other person, not hearing what someone else was saying because you were thinking about yourself.  If so, you’re in good company!  It is such a common pitfall, that when someone can transcend it and really focus on what someone else is saying, that person is really exceptional.

Try it!  When someone is ‘bending your ear’ about something important to him or her, try to focus completely on what they’re saying, but even more so on the person’s underlying concerns.  Focus your energy on giving them empathy.  Just for once, try to forget that you exist, excep as a sounding board for that person’s concerns.  Try very hard to take in, and understand them.  Don’t worry a bit about it they understand you.

The ability to focus on someone else is such a rare ability, that it won’t go unnoticed.  And if you are able to do it, you will be able to touch someone else as you never have before.  And chances are, that person will later be committed to addressing your concerns.

I’ve found that, in community building, one of the toughest challenges is to help people transition from the ‘what’s in it for me’ mindset to a ‘let’s see what we can do for you’ attitude.  But in order to build real community, it is necessary to bring a group of people to that point, where their regard and concern for others replaces the complete focus on their own needs.  I’ve found that if one or two people in the community can model this quality, it becomes infectious.  Try to understand before You try to be Understood is an important tool in that transition.