Every year,
we celebrate Shabbat immediately before Mother’s Day. After all, Mother’s Day comes always on a
Sunday! So every year, not just in my
shule but in in most shules in the Jewish world, there are some special
words said, some reflection, some unique observance to honour the mothers in
the congregation.
In the Reform Rabbis’ Facebook group
this week, a colleague from the USA shared an article from a Christian
website. That’s not so remarkable; we
rabbis understand that our world is limited in scope. Our friendships with our Christian colleagues
have shown us over time that many of the concerns that cloud their days, are
concerns for us also. I know that I have
told you enough anecdotes over the years from my work, that you’re aware of
this.
The article shared by the colleague
was from a website dedicated towards mutual support for pastors. It was a letter from a woman in someone’s
congregation. The letter’s author begged
her pastor to go easy on the acknowledgement of Mother’s Day in church this
year. The gist of the message was that
hearing such words, and in particular watching the mothers in the sanctuary
rise and be recognised was painful to her.
The letter did not explain why this particular woman was not a
mother. Reading it, I had the sense that
she was infertile. This, as opposed to
unmarried or childless for any other of possible reasons. She pled impassionedly about how remaining in
her seat during the recognition of the mothers, year after year, had
been painful. So much so, that she had taken
to not attending church on Mother’s Day at all.
It
was one of those posting which elicited few comments. The comments that others did post were
of the that’s so profound, that’s so true nature. And now my confession: my first reaction to the letter was: Oh, give me a break!
Nowadays, it has become the custom for
people to take offense at just about everything. So here was one more crybaby who, since she
wasn’t going to be recognised, found someone else’s recognition to be
painful. So perhaps we should stop
recognizing nonagenarians so that those whose parents passed away in their
eighties won’t feel bad. And stop
recognizing 50th wedding anniversaries to avoid hurting those whose
spouse didn’t live long enough to reach that milestone. Or who are divorced. Or never married. Or are gay, and therefore unable – in most
places – to marry their chosen partner at all.
Or how about recognizing someone’s success in whatever endeavor, to
acknowledge publicly the attainment of their goal? Let’s not mention if someone in our
congregation wins an election, since surely there is someone out there who lost
the same, or another, election. Or shep
nachas over someone whose son graduated from medical school, since over
there is surely someone whose child didn’t get admitted and had to choose
another profession. Or take delight in
someone whose recent transaction netted a large sum of money, since surely
there is someone out there who has only failed in business. Every time we publicly recognise someone for
some achievement, or whatever nature, there is possibly someone out there who
did not succeed in the same endeavor. So
let’s just stop recognising people at all.
Because someone might be jealous, let’s just shut up about any kind of
achievement and not express our collective delight.
So, when I read this letter, I
thought…more of the same! Just one more
reflection of the zeitgeist, where we’re ‘trained’ to take offense at
almost everything we hear. The human
race today is so collectively unhappy that it as if we’re looking in
everything we see and hear for the source of our unhappiness. We cannot accept responsibility for our own happiness
or lack thereof. So we look for its
source in everything outside of ourselves.
We can’t seem to find happiness within
ourselves for a number of reasons. But I
think the main reason is that we cannot seem to internalise the Tenth of the
Top Ten Commandments: Do not
covet. We have bought into the
notion that life is a zero sum game.
Therefore, we find it difficult to see someone else’s success as not
being at our own expense. Every time we
see someone else being favoured with success of whatever kind, we are apt to
think of that success as something we should be enjoying. I don’t think we do this deliberately. But I challenge you to be sensitive to its
manifestation. The next time you hear
about someone else’s success, in some area where success has eluded you, listen
to your heart for your reaction. If
you’re being honest with yourself, you’ll very likely realise that your inner
voice is wishing that person anything but well.
Having said all that, I have reflected
further on the issue of women whom motherhood has eluded, finding Mother’s Day
difficult to endure. And I’m inclined to
afford such women a bit of slack. Why is
that?
Because we make motherhood the sina
qua non of womanhood. And how can we
not? It’s true that, one might argue,
the earth is full to bursting. One could
be forgiven for thinking that G-d’s commandment to be fruitful and multiply has
been fulfilled, many times over. And
yet, we know that the various catastrophes worldwide that result from
overpopulation are really caused by the various human follies that make
resources not reach those who can best benefit from them. There’s enough food and water to go around,
but too much corruption hijacks too much of it.
So, crowded as the earth might be,
there really is room for many more babies.
And there is nothing that brings more joy than bringing children into
the world. This, despite the
frustrations and pitfalls of parenthood.
So of course, one who is unable to have children is likely to feel
profoundly left out. And we should
always remember to empathise with those who feel the loss that comes with not
having the joy of children.
I’m not going to refrain from
honouring motherhood and mothers on this, the Shabbat immediately preceding
Mother’s Day. But at the same time, I’m
going to be as sensitive as possible towards those women among us who have not
experienced motherhood, and are feeling this loss especially this weekend. For every childless woman who knows the pain
of loss, we have no words to ease your pain, except to tell you that your childless
status does not diminish your value to the rest of us. But it is necessary even so, to look upon
those who have experienced motherhood, and tell them: there is no role on earth that is more
sacred, more necessary than bringing children into the world and raising them
to be good people. We recognise what you
have done, and what you are still doing.
We honour the contribution that cannot be likened to anything else in
life. Happy Mother’s Day and Shabbat
shalom.
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