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| Rebecca at the Well by Francesco Solimena |
Will You Go
With This Man?
There is a saying: A
woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.
It is patently obvious that a fish, which has neither legs nor arms,
can get no use whatsoever out of a bicycle.
The meaning of the saying, then, is clear: a woman has absolutely no need of a man. The saying is used by feminists around the
world to express their absolute independence from men. And so often, that it just rolls off the
tongue naturally.
A woman needs a
man, like a fish needs a bicycle is known and repeated worldwide. But you may be aware that it was originally
coined by an Australian. Irina Dunn, its
author, was born in Shanghai and migrated to Australia with her parents as a
small child. She went on to become a
noted political activist, serving briefly in the Australian Senate in the
1980’s. Since then she has made her mark
as a writer of novels and plays.
A woman needs a
man, like a fish needs a bicycle seems to resonate with a large number of
women. But I’m guessing - I hope! – that they do not think it
is literally true. Except for
those whose sexual orientation is other than straight, I think most of us would
profoundly disagree with the statement if we really thought about it. A woman, in fact needs a man…just as a man
needs a woman. Men and women complement
one another. One without the other,
except as a temporary condition, seems unnatural. It is hard to think of a straight woman or a
man who is psychologically and otherwise healthy, not desiring to have a
partner of the opposite sex. Unless
perhaps, they are ‘recovering’ from a relationship that was abusive. Or deeply disappointing.
I get it that women
should not feel desperate to hitch their star to that of a man in order to feel
‘complete.’ In fact, I not only get it,
but I most heartily endorse that mindset.
After all, I do have a teenage daughter. I don’t want her to feel so compelled to pair
herself up to a man, no matter how good the man seems, before she gets a chance
to experience independence and learn to live with herself. Independence is a necessary intermediate step
toward interdependence. Do you remember
my declaring this truism repeatedly during the recent High Holy Days? I stand by the assertion.
I don’t want my
daughter rushing headlong into a serious relationship until she will have had a
chance to experience independence and ‘find herself’ as an individual. So if a woman needs a man like a fish
needs a bicycle is a good tool to keep my daughter and other girls in her
position from desperately seeking a serious relationship before they’re ready, or
before the ‘right’ man comes along, than I’m all for it. As long as we understand that there’s no literal
truth in it.
The antithesis to a
woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle is found in this week’s Torah
portion. In Chayei Sarah, in the 24th
chapter of Genesis, Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to Nahor in
Aram-Naharayim to find a wife for Isaac.
Eliezer, wanting to carry out his master’s wishes, imagines what would be a good portent
that he has found the ‘right’ girl. And
then, encountering Rebecca at the well, the meeting plays out exactly as he had
imagined and he seeks to get the permission of Bethuel, Rebecca’s father. Bethuel is agreeable, but since it is not the
custom to marry off daughters without their consent, he asks his daughter: Will you go with this man?
As I said, it is the
antithesis to a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Will you go with this man summarises
every young woman’s challenge. Every woman
must choose the man who will be her companion in life. Who will be her partner in life’s
journey. Who will father her children
and raise them with her. Every woman,
unless her sexual orientation dictates otherwise, has faced or will face this
challenge. Will you go with this
man? In the case of our matriarch
Rebecca, she doesn’t even get to meet Isaac first. It is his father’s servant, acting as agent
for the transaction, who has chosen her.
She only knows that her potential husband’s father, Abraham, is a
distant cousin of her father who left for parts unknown many years before and
has clearly prospered greatly in his new country. Even so, she is being put on the spot. Will you go with this man? Her father asks. And the Torah records Rebecca’s unhesitating answer: I will.
In declaring that
this is a challenge facing every straight woman, I don’t mean to exclude young
men. Of course they, too must
rise to the challenge of finding the ‘right’ life partner. But the challenge is not quite the same for a
man. It is not quite as difficult for a
man. He defines himself more by his
occupation than by his relationships.
That’s not to say that a man shouldn’t choose his mate carefully and
focus more on his most important relationships.
But men, generally are hard-wired differently from women. A man’s failure in marriage does not carry
the same level of devastation as that of a woman. A woman therefore chooses much more
carefully. These are, of course
generalisations and thus are not absolutely true of every man and every
woman. But there is a general truth to
them.
And of course, I
mean no slight by my repeated statements that I’m not talking here about those
whose orientation is same-sex attraction. The latter is just beyond the scope my remarks
tonight. Someday, I will feel competent
to understand homosexuality, how it makes one different and how it does not. Until them, I only try to empathise with my
homosexual friends…and hope that they will forgive me for my essential ignorance.
We live in a
very different world from that of our patriarchs and matriarchs. Really, we live in a radically different
world even from that of our own parents.
And our children live in a world that is in turn radically different from ours. Today, there is no assumption that a young
girl, in finding a mate, will drop whatever life she will have created and
hitch her star to that of her husband’s.
We send our daughters to uni and educate them and hope that they’ll find
a fulfilling career. My daughter wants
to be a doctor, and she’s a good enough student that she just might pull it off
if all the right doors open for her. But
I still pray for her, that a worthy man will come into her life, and she will
fall in love, and the man will ask for her hand. And she will look into his eyes and ask
herself, will I go with this man? And,
if it feels right both rationally and in a deeper sense, she will respond in
the affirmative and will set off on a shared life adventure with that man. And please, God, let him be Jewish…
I don’t expect my
daughter to choose her husband based on the agency of his father’s
servant. But I do hope that she
will make her choice based not solely on rational knowledge but also on the
spark of spiritual connection. And it is
implied in the text of this week’s Torah portion, that Rebecca is consulting
that deepest sense that transcends the rational. Will you go with this man? She responds: I will.
I hope that my daughter will experience that level of certainty,
that level of confidence. And that even
so, she’ll get a prenup. Shabbat shalom!
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