Today is Day Seven of Week One of
the Omer. That is Day Seven of the
Omer. The theme of the Week ending, is
Slavery. The theme of the Week
beginning, is Relationships.
Last week, my senior colleague from
Sydney, Rabbi Dr Raymond Apple shared some of the thoughts of the Rav – that
is, Rabbi Joseph B. Solovietchik, of blessed memory – on slavery. The Rav wrote about the difference between ‘juridic’
slavery – that imposed by a political system – and ‘typological’ slavery which
is moral or intellectual, or both. It
got me to thinking about the many forces from within and without, that conspire
to enslave us today. In the slavery of
limited horizons and possibilities. In
the slavery of corrosive behavior. In
the slavery of jealousies and entitlement mindset. In so many ways, many of us live our lives
bounded by slaveries of our own or others’ design.
It reminds me of how Rabbi Simcha
Bunim suggested that every person walk through life with a slip of paper in
each of two pockets. On one slip would
be written: For me the world was
created. And on the other: I am dust and ashes. The point is balance; one would have a
ready encouragement for when the world seems to beat one down. And an antidote to thinking It’s all about
me. A more contemporary source, and
forgive my inability to cite the author’s name, offered a counterpoint: Drop the slip of paper with ‘I am dust and
ashes.’ There is already enough in
modern life that conspires to drag us down, to destroy our spirit.
I see a lot of truth in the latter
statement. In so many ways, contemporary
life seems designed to drag us down, to kill our spirit, to remind us
constantly that we are but dust and ashes.
And that’s why I’ve chosen to write on the things that tend to drag us
down – to make us feel as if we were still slaves – and hope that in doing so
you will find some sense of liberation just as you do from the Passover Seder.
I’m going to end the week by
providing my final choice of the ‘Top Seven Contemporary Slaveries,’ and segue
into my series for the second week of Sefirat Ha-Omer. We are slaves to broken and dysfunctional
relationships that we feel powerless to heal.
Why are so many relationships
dysfunctional? Why are so many families
full of members who won’t talk to one another for years, who profess to hate
one another? Of grown children who did
not grow up with the advantage of having two participating parents because,
first, they divorced, and then after divorcing couldn’t find a modus vivendi
for putting their grievances toward one another aside to work together and
raise strong healthy children – the children they had made together? Why do those who should band together as a
bulwark to keep some sanity in their shared lives, struggle with one another
all their lives? Why are we dragging one
another down, rather than supporting one another? I could ask the same questions with regard to
the wider circles to which we belong:
workplace, organisations, and congregations. But let’s start the enquiry at the most basic
level: that of family.
And of course the answer is…it’s
complicated. If there was a ready and
simple answer to these complex issues, then we would run with it; we would
accept it, put it into effect in our lives, and live happily ever after. Right?
Well…maybe.
The root of the problem is not really
so complicated. But the solution – acceptance
of others as they are, stepping back from one’s own ego to work with them, and learning
to give and compromise – that’s difficult, and perhaps complicated as
well.
How is it possible to train oneself to find
such solutions? How is it even possible
to learn to recognise the problems?
When I was an Air Force chaplain, probably two-thirds to three-quarters
of my time and energy went into listening to people’s problems and trying to
help them clarify them and find solutions.
I hadn’t received any particularly useful training, that I would be able
to do so. The closest thing I received
was a brief mentorship by a senior colleague who declared concerning the human
relations aspects of the rabbinate: It’s
all sechel. (common sense) Well,
that was helpful! On the other hand, it is
important to recognise that it isn’t rocket science, that we should throw
up our hands and say the heck with it.
But as I waded deeper into the mire
of human relationships, out of necessity as that’s the help that people wanted
from me, I realised that that – people just throwing up their hands and saying the
heck with it – is really at the root of the problem. We feel incompetent to deal with our lives,
our relationships, and our destinies. So
we lash out at one another, because when we do, we don’t feel so powerless and helpless.
Therefore, Dear Reader, I am going
to spend the next segment of Sefirat Ha-Omer writing about human
relationships and things we can do to make them better. I’ll share insights that I’ve gained from the
experience of being presented with the same kinds of issues over and over, by different
individuals in different circumstances, from different cultural
backgrounds. Some of what I present, may
give you an Aha! moment, some
might resonate, and some might make you disagree. It doesn’t matter. My job is not to provide solutions for all
your problems. My job is to get you
thinking. So let’s embark together on a
tour of the battlefield of relationships, and see what we can learn…and
apply. Shabbat shalom and Chag Sameach!
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