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| Tamar, from www.womeninthebible.net |
When I was a
military chaplain, I used to spend a considerable number of hours every month
in marriage counselling. I very seldom
do any such counselling now. Why
not? Because all those who came for
marriage counselling were gentiles.
Gentiles, especially Christians, often seek out clergy first when
looking for someone to help them sort out life’s issues. Jews almost never turn their rabbis for that kind
of help. At the heart of it is that they
don’t see a rabbi as being uniquely qualified to sort out relationship
problems. Since today I’m ministering
primarily to Jews, I seldom do counselling, except to advise on specifically
religious issues.
Just so I’m clear, I’m not whinging
about being under-employed in my role as counsellor! Just stating the facts. In truth, sometimes I regret that all that
experience is being wasted. Because
marriage counselling is based on very simple principles. And those principles apply not only to
marriage, but really any kind of human relationship.
Many young married people feel that
marriage is supposed to be conflict free.
I’m not really sure why this is so, since surely almost none of them
have seen conflict free marriages modelled.
Unless there’s a submission of one person’s will – either as a voluntary
act or as a result of some kind of abuse – it is inevitable that there will be
conflict. So the existence of conflict
does not call a marriage into question.
Or a friendship. Or any other
sort of relationship. But it does point
to the need for each one of us, unless we’ve determined to live out our lives
as a hermit or an abuser, to learn the rules of conflict.
Most interpersonal conflict is over
issues that are not intractable. But we
approach conflict in ways guaranteed to build deep divisions, unlikely to heal
except over long periods of time. So
conflict over relatively trivial matters can tear relationships apart
irreparably. And more than that. The irreparable conflicts eat at our souls
and wound us to the point where we have trouble having positive relationships
with anybody.
One of the most important ‘rules’ of conflict – so I’ve learnt over time
– is that one must be careful not to publicly shame the other party to the
conflict. Then a simple disagreement becomes
a wider war where bystanders feel forced to ‘take sides.’ And that is often the step that makes the
conflict intractable.
In this week’s Torah portion, we see a
conflict between Judah and his daughter-in-law Tamar. It is not a trivial conflict. Tamar was married to Judah’s eldest son Er,
who died without making an offspring. According
to existing social custom, Judah sent his second son Onan to her to make a
child in his dead brother’s name. But
Onan avoided fulfilling this duty; as a result he too died. Two of Judah’s sons died, but neither death
was due to Tamar’s culpability. But
Judah is now spooked; he is reluctant to give Tamar his third and final son to
make a child, lest he suffer a similar fate.
Tamar is, therefore stuck in the role
of childless widow; again according to custom she cannot marry again until she
produces a child to carry on her dead husband’s name. Until Judah sends Shelah to her for this
purpose, she is stuck in limbo. Tamar
understands the injustice she is being forced to bear.
Out of desperation she disguises herself as a
prostitute and gets Judah to sleep with her; he doesn’t have what to pay her
fee, so she retains his seal, his cord, and his staff until such time as he
will send her the negotiated price. Then
she discards her disguise and Judah is unable to pay her and retrieve his
things.
Tamar gets pregnant by her
father-in-law. Being pregnant whilst not
being free to marry is an offence punishable by death, and Judah as her
father-in-law is the one to whom the trial and sentence falls. He asks Tamar who got her pregnant. She replies by showing him his own articles
and responding “The one who owns this seal, cord, and staff.” And of course, Judah knows immediately that
it was himself. And he immediately admits
that Tamar’s offence was in fact been his own fault – and no punishment is
called for.
The Sages want us to know that the conflict
solved itself because Tamar did not publicly shame her father-in-law, even
though she was facing a death sentence and therefore might have been expected
to lash out publicly. Instead, she
responded to him in a way that enabled him to see his own offence without
losing face. And seeing it, he relented
and spared her.
But it goes much deeper than
that. In the previous chapter, where the
brothers sell Joseph to the Ishmaelite traders, it was Judah himself who
counselled selling their brother. So
Judah is a major actor in an incredible injustice. It’s clear that Judah’s character is already
flawed. But Tamar’s respectful approach
enables him to make a decision leading to a good result.
But there’s even more. Fast forward to the reunion that will take
place between Joseph and his brothers.
Joseph plays with his brothers, letting them think that he’s going to
keep the youngest brother, Benjamin as a slave for a trumped up charge of
thievery. Knowing that would break their
father’s heart, Judah offers himself in place of Benjamin. In doing so, he breaks Joseph’s anger and
this leads to another good result – a very good result – for the
family. The Sages see Tamar’s way of
gently confronting Judah without publicly shaming him, as ultimately leading to
Judah’s humility before Joseph years later.
And that act of humility saves the entire family…the entire
people Israel.
The lesson is clear. When we have conflicts and disagreements, we
must carry on these disputes with restraint.
It is only when we do practice restraint that we will pave the
way to an ultimate rapprochement with the other disputant. And peace on a wider scale, to the benefit of
many. But even more than that. When we practice restraint and humility in
conflict, it offers a proven means to heal our very souls. Because we all need healing of the soul. But especially when our souls are wounded by
conflict, they need healing. From
individual healing, comes healing on a larger scale. Shabbat swhalom.
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