How About an Armistice?

Friday, 12 October 2012

In researching this week’s drash, I tried to find attribution for the following quote:  Women; you can’t live with ‘em, and you can’t live without ‘em.  I didn’t succeed in finding the source.  But whoever did say it first, surely just about every man in this room can agree with the sentiment...at times!

The women here tonight are more likely to find a different quote resonates with them:  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  This one, thanks to the World Wide Web, I can attribute.  It was coined by Irene Dunn, in 1970 when she was a student at the University of Sydney.

In our crazy, crazy world, I don’t think anything ties us up in knots more consistently or more hopelessly than the question of men and women interacting, making sense of one another, and trying to come to terms with one another.  Some consider the constant friction between men and women to be tantamount to an ongoing war.  Author John Gray, in his famous Mars and Venus series of books likens the rift between men and women to the differences between two species from different planets.

I enjoyed reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus shortly after it came out to popular acclaim in 1992.  I think that Gray offered a lovely piece of humorous midrash on why men and women seem to have so much trouble communicating their true thoughts and feelings.  I’ve referred to the book countless times over the years of my rabbinate:  in my pulpit speaking, counselling, and when giving briefings on relationship dynamics to military audiences.  I would not hesitate to recommend that every person in this room tonight, if they have never read it, go out and buy or borrow a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as soon as Shabbat is over.  Get the e-version for your iPad.  If you haven’t read it before, and no matter how successfully you believe you have navigated the shoals of the male-female question during your life, I can almost guarantee an Aha! moment when you take the time to read it for the first time.

Tomorrow when we take out the Torah we shall read:  Vayivrah Elokim et ha’adam betzalmo / be’tzelem Elokim bara oto / zachar u’nekeivah barah otam.  It’s one of the few verses in Torah where a verbatim translation into English just about manages to capture the poetics of the original Hebrew:  And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them.  (This rendering is from the 1917 JPS translation.)  Powerful phrases, decreeing an aspect of our reality that – I daresay – will always vex humanity.

So our reality is that there are two halves of the species of humanity, each with its own quirks and each struggling into the Next World to understand and come to terms with the other.  What does this verse of Torah potentially add to this quest?  It informs us that men and women are both created in the image of G-d.  This tells us something important about the nature of G-d, and something important about the nature of mankind.

Often I hear complaints that traditionally, religion teaches that G-d is like an old man with a beard.  On a substantive level I reject that complaint, at least with respect to my religion.  My own religious training as a child was probably quite emblematic of the Cheder education commonly provided Jewish children all around the world, and transcending the different movements in Jewish life.  Yet I have no memory at all of being overtly fed an image of G-d as a bearded man.  The Bearded Men I learned about were Abraham, Moses, and Isaiah…not G-d.

Now having said that, there is an element of truth behind the charges.  Because we do focus on the aspect of G-d as the lawgiver.  G-d the authority figure.  G-d the stern ruler.  Obviously, this side of G-d is G-d in what many of us consider to be a masculine role.  This, despite decades of women coming out of the shadow of men and taking on – often quite successfully – any and every role in life. 

Yes, we still, on a very elemental level, see authority as being masculine.  If you don’t accept this assertion, look at how we – both men and women – tend to parody any woman who dares to step into a public role of authority.  Look at Prime Minister Gillard.  Obviously, some in this room are her fans, while others are her detractors.  That’s not my point.  Rather, look at some of the invective slung at her, some of the epithets and slurs.  Witch.  Another word that rhymes with the former, changing just the first letter.  You know what I’m talking about.  In America, we’ve heard similar words and worse slung at Hillary Clinton, for example.  Surely you can agree that some of this name-calling comes from deep in the gut.  From a place where without articulating it, some of us are prone to see a woman in command as something somehow unnatural.  An object of derision, not of respect.  That’s unfortunate, but it’s there.

So iff wielding authority is a ‘masculine’ characteristic, then perhaps it can be said that we have, if inadvertently, drawn up an image of G-d as ‘an old man with a beard.’  But G-d has neither facial hair nor a Y-chromosome.  G-d is in fact many-faceted.  This is why, in Torah, there are so many different appellations attached to G-d.  Shechinah, the-indwelling presence.  This is often thought of as being the ‘feminine’ side of G-d.  Tzur, the rock.  G-d the steadfast, the enduring and strong supporter.  Eil Rachum Vechanun.  G-d the merciful, the gracious.  Adonai.  Lord, but really, the name Adonai is a substitute for G-d’s unique, very person name that conveys such a level of holiness that we don’t even use it.

 When we read this simple and poetic verse in the Torah, we can read into it an assertion as to the nature of G-d.  If both man and woman were made ‘in the image of G-d,’ then G-d is beyond gender.  And if both man and woman were made ‘in the image of G-d,’ we also learn something about man and woman.  And that is, that each possesses the spark of the Divine within them.  And if so, then the Divine spark is above and beyond the differences that divide man and woman.  The Rabbis posited that ‘in the image of G-d’ means that we, like G-d, act as moral agents.  We constantly make decisions that involve moral choices.  Since G-d is incorporeal in our tradition, ‘in the image’ is not a reference to how one looks, to one’s appearance.  And if we are moral agents accountable to G-d, we are all moral agents:  male and female alike.  We stand equally at G-d’s feet…as it were.

So men and women are different.  Some would say profoundly different.  We tend to communicate differently.  So much, so, that it often seems as if we’re speaking entirely different languages.  To put it as John Gray did delightfully, as if we’re from entirely different planets.

But on the other hand, we’re profoundly the same.  We express ourselves differently at times.  We have different ways of setting priorities.  We assign different purposes to the same actions.  Perhaps most markedly, in the bedroom.  But we’re both moral agents, making choices just as G-d does, standing equally before G-d.  Both with the same spark of the Divine, alive within us.  Both capable of good and evil…and everything in between.  We’re the same in the ways that matter.  And we’re complimentary in the ways that matter.

Tomorrow morning, we’ll read the past part of the first chapter of Genesis, and the entire second chapter.  Think about this lesson as we take out the Torah in the way that we do each week, and read it with joyous ceremony.  And tomorrow, I promise additional food for thought on the reading.  But for now, there’s another kind of food we’re awaiting…Shabbat shalom!

 

What About The Other Possibilities?

Saturday, 13 October 2012

I spoke about the male-female question last night.  I know that I have spoken many times on the subject of marriage and commitment, about male and female.  As I said last night, I don’t think there is an area of life that is more vexing.  If we get it right, there’s not an area of life that brings more joy.  We talk endlessly about the challenges of Mars and Venus seeking to live together in harmony.

            This morning I’m going to veer a bit off the script of the Torah portion to talk about another kind of relationships.

            This is a somewhat conservative group, this congregation we call Temple Shalom of the Gold Coast.  That’s not surprising, given our demographics.  We are predominantly a group of senior adults.  By the time one reaches one’s senior years, one is not usually given to experimentation with new ideas and values.  One becomes comfortable with the status quo, or with one’s own perception of the status quo.  As the number of birthdays I’ve celebrated has relentlessly increased, I’ve found that this describes me, too.  I’m not as willing as I was in the past to embrace every new idea extant.  That’s absolutely natural, and nothing to feel ashamed about.

            But ‘conservative’ does not mean intolerant.  Or at least, not necessarily so.  And I find members of this congregation quite open and accepting of those who don’t fit into the mould, to which they’ve hewed during their own lives.  There are members of this congregation whose grown children are not exactly living the same lifestyle choices that you are.  For example, some of your children are living with a partner without being married.  This is something you would not have contemplated when you were their age.  You may very well disagree with this choice.  I believe that cohabiting adults should be married to one another wherever possible.  Please do not take offense by my saying this.  I believe our tradition informs us of the importance of making certain commitments and making them in writing.  But obviously, there are certain circumstances where marriage is impossible.  In those circumstances, we should not deny ourselves companionship and happiness.  We should just do the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt.

One specific circumstance where adults are constrained from being married, at least in many places, is when both partners are of the same sex.  Here in Queensland, we have legal civil unions for same-sex couples.  Is it marriage except in name?  I'll let you be the judge of that.  We have at least two such couples in this congregation, and perhaps more who are not open about it.

            Our Union for Progressive Judaism, and our sister movements in North America and elsewhere, are conspicuously tolerant, and even embracing of those who are not heterosexual.  A number of my colleagues in Sydney and Melbourne have very publicly conducted same-sex marriage ceremonies or spoken out for what you call in Australia, ‘marriage equality.’  Non-Jews, and even some Jews in our community, sometimes have a hard time understanding why so many Progressive Jews have taken such stances.  After all, don’t we believe that the Torah is G-d’s revealed word?  If so, how do we reconcile these positions with Leviticus 18:22?  You know the verse.  It states:  Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination.  Once, in America, someone shopping for a shul telephoned me and demanded an answer to this question before he would consider visiting my shul.  Perhaps because others see me as being somewhat conservative, they often feel comfortable picking my brain on this subject.

            Since Leviticus 18:22 is not in this week’s reading, I don’t wish to get buried too deeply into explaining what this verse means to me.  But I do want to talk for a moment about how straight people can reconcile with same-sex relationships.  It is not out of a desire to stir up controversy that I speak about this.  Rather, it is because I don’t want those in our congregation for whom this is an issue to feel that in talking about male-female relationships as often as I do, that I wish to exclude parts of the community.

            You’ve heard me say that, as the years have gone by, I’ve accepted that there are mysteries in life.  Mysteries that I will probably never be able to grasp or explain.  For me, part of living in peace – peace with G-d, with life, with myself, and with those around me – is accepting that I cannot always grasp everything rationally.  I accept that some things will always transcend the impulse to want to rationally apprehend every aspect of life.  This was not an easy step to take.  All of my early education trained me, as yours likely did you, to demand understanding of everything.

            I have to admit that, as a straight man, I cannot understand homosexuality.  That puts me in good company.  I have known a number of gay men and lesbian women over the years, and I have at times cherished them as friends.  One of my nieces is a lesbian.  Despite that their attractions do not make sense to me, I do not want to judge them.  I wish them only the best, and I hope that they know that.

            On one hand, I read in this week’s Torah reading (Genesis 2:21-24):  And the LORD G-d caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the place with flesh instead thereof.  And the rib, which the LORD G-d had taken from the man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.  And the man said: 'This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.' Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.  And most of us, while we struggle with the battle of the sexes, could not imagine the last of these verses - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh – as being anything less than the ideal in life.

            On the other hand, there are those who will tell you that, for them to try to live this out as the ideal, would be completely unnatural for them.

            Again, I cannot pretend to understand this, but my instinct is to accept and honour what my homosexual friends and associates tell me about themselves.  Many homosexuals, especially men, will tell you that they did not desire to be this way.  When they first realised this about themselves, they were devastated.  Many took years to come to terms with themselves and lived in the closet for a long time.  Only through the gradual acceptance of family and friends, and sometimes years of soul searching and therapy, were they able to make peace with themselves.

            To me, this is a description of someone who is truly responding to what he is, to what he cannot control.  If one is to accept the years of pain and heartbreak that are often the lot of gays, then I can accept that it is a genuine state.  I can honour and accept them and their choices.  The Torah has many rich lessons to offer us about human nature and relationships.  But the Torah is silent about this.  I cannot understand this silence, given the experience of a significant number of us.  But I accept it and have decided to try very hard to make the non-heterosexual members of our community feel welcome.  And if my frequent speaking on the ‘problem’ of male-female relationships makes them feel excluded, I hope they will forgive me and understand that such exclusion is not my goal.

            A few weeks ago, we had a same sex couple take an aliyah together to celebrate their 35^th anniversary together.  When they requested this honour, I couldn’t imagine refusing it.  They are comfortable enough in their own skins to accept the risk of ‘coming out’ in such a public way.  Given that, it was the least I could do to facilitate it.  Yes, it’s unconventional, and yes, it was possible that one or two of you would have been confused and perhaps offended.  I hope nobody was, and I’m guessing that nobody was because I probably would have heard about it by now but have not!

At the time, I said that the moment didn’t feel extraordinary except that so many couples cannot make a go of it, and here these two men are soldiering on after 35 years.

I therefore make a proposal this morning.  When we read Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh, let’s understand it to apply even to couples of the same sex.  The point is not to define strictly what constitutes a couple.  Rather, the point is to inform us that we are to find our partner and seek oneness with them.  Let’s accept that, for many of us, this will remain a mystery.  It may force us out of our comfort zones.  It may disorient us as we wonder if it calls into question some of the values we’ve held all of our lives.

Perhaps.  But accepting this broader understanding of this verse, and of the kinds of couples it is talking about, also upholds a value that is important for most of us.  And that value is that we create happy homes where we support and uplift one another.

I’m taking a risk by saying these words this morning and by posting them in my blog.  Some of you may disagree deeply with what I’ve said.  Some of my friends who read my blog regularly may think I’ve gone off the deep end.  Yes, it’s a risk.  But it is one I feel I must take if I am to truly represent myself to you.  I have struggled, and continue to struggle, with this issue.  To be completely honest, I have never been asked to facilitate a same-sex marriage ceremony, and I’m not sure how I will react if or when the first request comes.  I won’t say, as President Obama famously did, that my views on the issue ‘are evolving.’  But I will tell you that my practices are not settled.  While I do on one hand dread the first request I will receive, I also welcome it as if will force me to achieve clarity.  

            I have been to a Pride Fest and I have to tell you that I was embarrassed by the public displays of fetish behaviour.  I did not find it at all edifying.  On the other hand, I cannot help but take pride when members of our community display the deep commitment to one another that I celebrate and encourage.  Even when their partnership is not the conventional kind – a man and a woman.  When you work as hard as you do to love and support one another, while at the same time facing a measure of loathing and derision, or at the very least lack of understanding, by those around you.  Even if it means stepping outside of my own box to do so, I cannot help but to celebrate your relationships.  I have never before expressed this quite so explicitly, but I hope you accept the sincerity with which I express it now.  I hope that, in saying this, I am speaking for many others in our community.  Shabbat shalom.