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Okay, here’s a news flash: Most families are at least somewhat
dysfunctional. The
differences generally are of degree. So, where did I gain this startling discovery?
Sixteen years of counselling rabbinate for starters.
I lost count years ago, of how many
unhappy souls have trooped into my office to complain about their spouses,
their parents, their children, or the siblings. And that’s not to mention
other relations: aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents…you get the
idea. It often seems as if everybody’s got a grievance against someone in
their family, and often against multiple parties. And often there’s at
least some substance to the grievance. Because, after all, human
relations are more art than science. Even when we’re trying hard not
aggrieve others – and can we really be working on it with a full heart
24/7/365? – the nature of our emotional responses to one another is such that
we will sometimes offend and be offended. And when your heart is full of
grievance, it is often easy to think that it is beyond reconciliation.
So what sage advice was I able to give to my clients? What
rabbinic wisdom did I share with them? I would tell them: Cut ‘em some slack. They’re your
family. Learn to live with their quirks, just as you pray that they will
learn to live with your quirks.
After all, we have the example of Joseph and his brothers.
If ever there was a truly aggrieved party, it was Joseph. To deal with a
younger brother whom you ‘hate’ for putting on airs and thinking himself
superior by selling him to slavers – and remember, they wanted to kill him and might have if not for
Judah’s counsel! – is, shall we say, just a little over the top. Can
anything that your family members have done to you even approach the perfidy of
this act? I seriously doubt it. And yet…Joseph
is ultimately able to forgive his brothers. After he reveals himself to
them and they are understandably full of guilt and dread, what does he say to
them? Don’t
worry or feel guilty because you sold me. Look! God has sent me
ahead of you to save [your] lives. (Genesis 45:5)
So if Joseph was able to reconcile himself with his brothers, what
on earth have your family members done to you that is so unforgivable?
But on the other hand, perhaps you’re wondering what exactly was Joseph’s
secret that he was able to forgive his brothers so magnanimously? Why was
he able to achieve what so many, aggrieved by far lesser offences,
cannot? And the answer is in the same words I just quoted to you; Joseph
had an abiding faith in God, and he was therefore able to rise above his
grievances and see them in a bigger context. Sure, he was hurt by his
brother’s actions; they led to his exile from his family, to his slavery, and
indirectly to his spending years in prison after being denounced by his
master’s wife in last week’s Torah reading. But because he could step
back from his own misery and see the ultimate good that came out of his
suffering, he was able to transcend his grievances.
Look, I’m not trying to trivialize the offences by which we
aggrieve one another. Of course they hurt. Sometimes deeply.
But if you could step back and view events and consequences dispassionately, I’m
sure you could see how Good often comes out of adversity. And – here’s
another news flash! – Goodness is the goal of religious life. It’s what
the Torah is all about. Sometimes, when we get stuck in the details, we
have a hard time seeing that. But that’s what it’s all about.
Didn’t Hillel respond to the skeptic: That
which is hurtful to you, do not do to others; all the rest is commentary; now
go learn it.
So…cut ‘em some slack. Learn to forgive. And then go
on and be happy. Happiness is far better than grievance. Try it and
see.
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