Drashot for Shabbat Toldot

Hamas rocket destroys an apartment house in Kiryat Malachi, Israel

The ‘Kids’ are at it Again?

A Drash for Friday, 16 November

For those of you who have not been coming to Senior Schmoozers, I want you to know how much fun we’ve been having.  Oh, the Schmoozers always have fun!  But the last two weeks, we’ve been reading together a series of articles by Dov Landau, a noted Israeli journalist.  Mr. Landau writes for Ha’aretz, one of Israel’s leading newspapers.  He’s a decidedly secular man, a man of the Left.  The articles in question are about Jewish religion, Israeli politics, and the ‘problem’ of the mixing of religion and politics in Israel.  I selected the series of articles because, while I often disagree with Mr. Landau’s views, I found them very thoughtful – and thought-provoking.  And that, my friends – at least to me and others who have been attending – is the best kind of fun!

          One view that Landau expresses in his articles is the difficulty for Jews outside of Israel to have an honest conversation about Israel, and specifically about Israeli defence policy.  He fears that the ‘orthodoxy’ that is ‘required’ in Jewish circles concerning Israel, and supporting Israel no matter what, turns many young adults off to the conversation, period.  And the conversation about Israel is so inextricably woven into the general conversation of Jewish life in the diaspora.  It’s virtually impossible to have an ongoing Jewish conversation without the State of Israel being part of it.  And usually, a big part.

          In a way, I agree with Landau on this point.  We should be able to have an ‘honest conversation’ about Israeli politics and Israeli national policy.  We should not feel constrained from having a conversation amongst ourselves as Jews, where we express disagreement over Israeli policies.  We should even feel free to express that disagreement in public, even though such disagreement, and such criticism from Jews, is always in danger of being ‘exploited’ by Israel’s enemies and detractors.  In that way, I am in disagreement with some of the members of our discussion group, who expressed the opinion that we should not express and criticism of Israel that could be picked up by Israel’s enemies to use as ammunition in their war of words against the Jewish State.  I disagree; I think that integrity demands that we express our opposition whenever we experience it.  Where to express that opposition – in terms of which media – is merely a question of tactics.  But we should certainly feel free to express opinions – certainly among Jews – that are critical of Israeli policy.

          Having said that, I believe that integrity requires much more than a willingness to express criticism.  Specifically, integrity requires that we be sure of our facts before we conclude that criticism is in order.  This latter quality is the more difficult side of integrity.  Anybody can express an opinion that they honestly hold.  But how many would be willing to ‘test’ that opinion by verifying, at least to the extent possible, the background information that caused them to form that opinion?  For that, we rely by necessity on the news media.  But integrity is sorely lacking in the world media.

          The lack of integrity is not only with regard to Israel.  A generation ago, there was news coverage and there was editorial content.  The news coverage might be influenced by one’s editorial preferences that guided what got covered and what did not.  But the media would be subject to severe criticism if they allowed that bias to show even in determining the extent of coverage, not to mention the content of that coverage.  Today, the onus is off.  The world’s media routinely allow their personal preferences to guide what gets covered and what does not.  And the boundaries between news content and editorial content have largely disappeared.  This is why, for example, The New York Times, long considered one of the world’s premier newspapers, is seeing its market share ever shrinking.  Consumers of print media, unless they happen to agree with The Times’ editorial slant which it does not even try to hide, don’t trust its coverage.

          In the recent US elections, any objective observer had to notice a visible bias of the world’s media toward President Obama.  I don’t think it was personal; I’ve noticed a preference for left-wing politicians, personified in my country by the Democrat Party, for years.  So seeing this bias come to the surface, with regard to the US election and the US media, was no surprise.  That I saw the same bias clearly displayed by the Australian media, starting with your ABC, was surprising to me although in retrospect I suppose it should not have been.

          No, I’m not winding up to ‘blame’ the results of the US election on the media, neither in the US or the entire world.  I’m only using this phenomenon, which any fair-minded person had to see, to point out the existence, and prevalence of the media’s bias.

          And the media is clearly – even breathtakingly – biased against Israel.

Unless you’ve been in deep hibernation all this week, you’re surely aware that Israel and Hamas have been at it again after a few relatively quiet years.  It started with two incidents, in which Hamas forces staged unprovoked attacks against Israeli forces.  The first one was an explosion in a smuggling tunnel that had been dug under a military post on Israeli soil.  The second was an attack on a military Jeep travelling along the border fence between Israel and Gaza.  That attack wounded four Israeli soldiers.

          Israel, in response to the two attacks in question, launched a ‘surgical’ attack on the car of Ahmed Jabari, the commander of Izz-al-Din-al-Kassam, also known as ‘the military wing of Hamas.’  Hamas, in response to this attack, launched hundreds of rockets into Israeli cities causing death, injuries, and destruction.

          This morning, I was watching Today, the morning show on Channel Nine, whilst working out on the elliptical trainer at my gym.  I was not really surprised, just disappointed, when the news presenter gave a chronology of the Gaza tensions that omitted any mention of the two attacks that precipitated it.  Does it matter?  From my standpoint, it matters considerably.  If it did not matter, the biased media would not make such omissions.

          Every country has the right to defend its borders and its citizens from attack.  Yes, even Israel.  To President Obama’s credit, he is standing with Prime Minister Netanyahu on this.  As well he should.  As should every other national leader in the world community.  But don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.

          Because in the eyes of much of the world, the murderous violence of the likes of Hamas and Hezbollah toward Israel, is tantamount to a spat between siblings.  And we all know about spats between siblings.  In tomorrow’s Torah portion, we will read: (Genesis 25:22-23)

The children struggled in Rebecca’s womb.  She said: ‘If so, why am I alive?’ She went to inquire of the Lord.  And the Lord answered her: ‘Two nations are in your womb / Two separate peoples shall issue from your body / One people shall be mightier than the other / And the older shall serve the younger.’

          When referring to the Arabs, or to Muslims, I often use the euphemism, ‘Our Cousins.’  That’s because of the tradition that the Arab peoples descend from Ishmael, the half-brother of our patriarch Isaac.  Just as those who become Jewish by conversion are ‘grafted’ into the Jewish nation by their choice, it is common to think of all Muslims as being likewise ‘grafted’ into the Abrahamic lineage through Ishmael by their acceptance of Islam.  And it’s natural to think of Muslims as being kin to Jews, at least somewhat distant kin.  After all, Muslim traditional practices do somewhat resemble Jewish ones.  If you know something of the history of the relationship between Muhammad and the local Jewish community of Medina, that comes as no surprise.  There are many similarities between Jewish and Muslim practice, although the similarities really must be seen as superficial.  I say that, because the underlying ideologies of Judaism and Islam are miles apart.  But that’s another sermon, for another day.  My point here is only to show why much of the world sees the Arab-Israeli dispute as a family spat.  And when family spats occur, the instinct is to want to ‘knock heads together’ until good sense takes over.  Many Jews, understandably tired of this conflict, think in all seriousness that knocking heads together is the answer.

          The world does not want to see Hamas’ war against Israel as precisely that – a war.  If I would try to recite my own take on the reasons why the world does not want to recognize this war for what it is, I would keep you here far longer tonight than you would appreciate.  It is more appropriately a subject for a series of discussions like the ones we’re now having in Senior Schmoozers.  (Hint, hint…)  But a war it is, and in war it is perfectly legitimate to go after the commanders rather than the common foot soldiers.  That’s why generals tend to stay in hardened bunkers during war.  And why they move about, they try to do so with as much anonymity as possible.  That’s why rank devices on battlefield uniforms are subdued.  And mounted via Velcro, for quick and easy removal.  And why today’s military leaders eschew the flamboyance of past generals such as George S. Patton, Bernard L. Montgomery, and Douglas MacArthur.

          So Ahmed Jabari was a legitimate target of an Israeli missile fired in response to Hamas’ breaking the undeclared truce that had held for so long.  If innocent bystanders also died, that’s entirely regrettable.  But still it was a surgical strike by a precision-guided weapon.  A larger, less precise weapon would have caused far more collateral casualties.  But it is not Israel’s way to wage war that way.  It is, however, Hamas’ way.  The rockets launched on Israeli cities and towns must be seen as weapons of pure terror, fired and inflicting death and damage indiscriminately.

          So please, do feel free to be critical of Israel.  At least, when talking with me.  I can handle disagreement, even on this sensitive point.  And I think we should all have the integrity to conduct an ‘honest conversation’ on a subject that has such a large impact on the Jewish world.  But let’s also have the integrity to base the opinions that spur the conversation, on facts.  I mean real facts.  And unfortunately facts are elusive in the world media,  This includes the media outlets that are at our disposal here in Australia.  Because there’s a definite and palpable bias in the media, we really need to do our own homework before we jump to conclusions.  If we do do our homework, and we can still honestly blame Israel for this recent conflagration or any other, then we should be able to talk about it.  Without name-calling.  Without trying to delegitimise one another.  Because that’s not the way one gets to the truth.  And truth matters.

          No the kids are not at it again.  This is not a family spat.  This is not the twins struggling in Rebecca’s womb.  This is not sibling rivalry.  This is a war being waged against Israel, a tiny state in a bad neighbourhood,  She has the right to be in that neighbourhood and should not be condemned for defending that right.  Hold Israel up to a high standard.  If you have the integrity to examine the facts, you’ll find that Israel’s leaders demand a high standard.  Even if our best reading of the facts makes us critical of one or another action of the Israeli government, let us express that criticism in a spirit of love and kinship toward our beleaguered cousins in Israel.  Because even if one calls the Arabs or the Muslims ‘Our Cousins’ when being tongue-in-cheek, we should be able to see the Israelis as Our Cousins in the most serious and complete sense of the word.  Shabbat shalom.

           

The Crap Shoot of Parenthood

A Drash for Saturday, 17 November

Having and raising children is like a crap shoot.  Even if we were all ‘expert’ at the art of parenting, we could not guarantee any particular outcome for our children.  How much the more so are there no guarantees, in light of the fact that none of us, not one, is an expert parent?  Children do not, after all come with a ‘user’s manual.’  Nor can one take a course in uni or in TAFE on the art of bringing up children.  When raising our children, we necessarily fly by the seat of our pants.

          Oh, we can learn the basics of paediatric illnesses, and be somewhat prepared for what to do when a child’s tummy hurts or when she scrapes a knee.  We can memorise the stages of human development, and know at least in general terms what to expect at certain milestones.  And if we’re very reflective, we can remember the feelings we experienced during childhood and adolescence, and try very hard to apply such memories in the ways that we relate to our kids.  Ancient history though our own childhoods are, I’m sure your memories of the triumphs and the disappointments are as fresh in your minds, as mine are in my mind.

          But in every way that really matters, parenthood is an art rather than a science.  Because raising children is a very emotional process, we cannot approach it in a completely rational manner.  So much of the way that we guide and respond to our children is driven by our emotions.  By our deepest held hopes and fears.  By our very worldviews.  Even when we’re trying hard to be dispassionate, we often find it impossible.

          So when we’re raising more than one child, we find it difficult at best to deal with the differences between children.

          My parents did.  No, this is not a complaint about them; I have long ago forgiven them for any slights I may have felt when growing up.  Anything that I may have experienced as a slight, I only attribute to my parents’ imperfection – to their essential humanity?  Do you hear that, Mom, if you’re reading this on my blog?

By the way, I recommend this – forgiving your parents – as the best cure for lingering resentments of which we may not even be aware.  Once I forgave my parents for all the ‘mistakes’ they made in raising me, I was free to love and cherish them.  I was free to be supportive and, I hope, non-judgemental when they had a late-in-life divorce.  I was free to respond in affection as my father fought the illness that eventually killed him.  I am still free to regard my mother with love and affection for the selfless way she gave to me.  I am freed from obsessing about the ways I would do things differently.  And that is a great freedom!  Finally, I was free to go on and become a parent myself.

Whenever I have been counselling someone who has residual childhood issues – and if they exist they invariably come bubbling to the surface quickly in counselling – I advise this forgiveness.  If you do persist in resenting your parents, you will be stuck indefinitely in the morass of self-pity and dis-function.  Forgive them, and get on with your life!  You don’t even have to tell them you forgive them if, please G-d, you manage to do this while they’re still living.  Just forgive them in your own mind, and begin acting toward them out of that mindset.

          So you have more than one child, and you try to give each one an equal share of your attention and your love.  Of your approval and support.  And yet, each one is different, with different strengths and quirks.  Each one will grow up to achieve a different destiny.  Being human, you will probably find it impossible not to measure one against the other.  You will probably find one child’s dreams and accomplishments more worthy than the other’s.  And your children will know this; you cannot hide it, no matter how hard you try.

          Isaac and Rebecca fell ‘victim’ to this pitfall of parenting, and they apparently did not try very hard to hide it.  Blessed with the twin sons Esau and Jacob, each quickly favoured one over the other.  As we read in the Torah this morning: (Genesis 25:27-28)

When the boys grew up, Esau became a skilful hunter, a man of the outdoors.  But Jacob was a mild man, who stayed in camp.  Isaac favoured Esau because he had a taste for game.  But Rebecca favoured Jacob.

          Each twin developed a personality that pleased one of his parents.  Isaac preferred the manly outdoorsman Esau.  Rebecca preferred the quiet and reflective Jacob.  If you’ll read ahead in the portion, beyond where we’re reading together today, you’ll see how the parents’ preferences spark a competition between the boys that will result in one running from the other in fear for his life.

          Most conflict between siblings does not reach the point of murderous ire of one towards the other.  But just about anybody who had a sibling of a close age, has experienced this competition between brothers, sisters, or brother and sister, in some measure.  And more likely than not, their parents’ overt preferences of one for the other fed this competition and conflict.  Just was with Isaac and Rebecca, Esau and Jacob.

          The obvious lesson from all this – at least I think it’s obvious – is that we must try hard to accept and cherish each child on her own terms.  That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t work hard to goad our children to be the best they can in every way.  That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t correct them when they make bad choices, breaking our rules or society’s.  But we must always remember that one child is not a copy of the other.  This, in the same way that our children are not clones of ourselves.  Each one has a unique mix of qualities.  Of strengths and challenges.  Of dreams and desires.  If we want to help our children reach for the best that is within them, we must accept that each one is a unique creation of G-d…with more than a little help from us.

          When my mother was studying for her belated bat mitzvah at age 79, her parashah was this week’s portion, Toldot.  Her reading was from chapter 27, which chronicles the way that Jacob and Rebecca deceived Isaac into giving Jacob the blessing intended for Esau.  To help her contextualise that part of the narrative, I had to fill in the narrative from today’s reading, of how the twins were in competition from the very start.  My mother, suddenly ‘getting it,’ shouted:  You means its’ all about sibling rivalry!

          Sibling rivalry.  Many a time when my brother and I were growing up, she would invoke that phrase as if it explained everything.  At times I had to laugh, thinking that the words sibling rivalry were her two favourite words in the English language!  Now she could relate the phrase, and its meaning, to the circumstances that began the process of making us the Jewish people.  All this because, if there’s a human foible, we see it exposed in the Torah!

          Yes, this week’s Torah reading has a lesson about sibling rivalry in it.  But that lesson is not that it is an inevitable consequence of having siblings.  Rather the lesson is that parents, when they cannot submerge their own preferences, feed the competition between their children.  We’ll see this phenomenon appear again, a few weeks down the line in the narrative about Joseph and his brothers – the sons of Jacob who appears as a young man this week.  In both of these narratives, the ire of the ‘slighted’ brother or brothers turns into a murderous envy.  Most of us who had conflict with our siblings, did not see the conflict escalate to that point.  Even so, we can relate to these stories.

          I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll continue saying it as long as I’m called to be a rabbi.  Whatever you believe with regard to the Torah’s origins, you cannot argue that it is an incredible repository of wisdom and genius.  Here in the book of Genesis, we have the story of our patriarchal family with all the foibles of our ancestors plain to see.  With all the dirty laundry hanging out.  This quality enables the Torah to offer unique glimpse into profound truths concerning the nature of life and relationship.  Even if it isn’t divine, then it certainly exceeds the wisdom of Freud.  To be sure, Freud himself – while no traditional believer – would agree with this sentiment.  He recognised the Torah’s wisdom and wrote about how it teaches us about human nature.

          As I said earlier, having and raising children is like a crap shoot.  We cannot anticipate the choices that each child will make.  Sometimes, those choices will be difficult for us to take.  Moral choices we should address.  But the choices that reflect each child’s reaching for the talents she has, to try to find her own unique destiny in the world, we can only influence.  We cannot make those choices for our children.  We should not even try.  And we should try very hard to love and accept each child equally, even when one child’s choices resonate more strongly with us.  After all, it isn’t about us.  It’s about partnering with G-d to raise good human beings.  Without guarantees of any sort.

          As we contemplate these lessons in life on this Shabbat, may we be always strengthened to face the challenges of parenthood.  May we always be endowed with a forgiving spirit toward our own parents.  And pray that our children will forgive us for our shortcomings.  Then, with this kind of inter-generational conflict out of the way, we can go on to become the best we can be.  Ken yehi ratson.