Last night I pointed out how this week’s Torah portion is known as Chayei
Sarah, which means ‘the life of Sarah.’
But the portion opens with the account of the events following Sarah’s death. Of course, it isn’t necessary to read so
much importance into the titles, by which we know the various weekly Torah
readings. After all, the titles come
strictly from their opening words. They
are not conferred because of the preponderance of the content of the ensuing chapters. Even so, we can take important lessons from
the juxtapositions of the portions’ titles and their content. As I did last night.
This morning, I want
to take another lesson from another juxtaposition. Our Torah reading informs us that, once he
had seen to the details of Sarah’s burial, Abraham turned-to on important
pressing business. Torah tells us about
Abraham: ויבוא
אברהם לספוד לשרה ולבכותה – So Abraham came
to memorialise Sarah and to cry over (his loss) – and then in the next
breath: ויקום
אברהם מעל פניי מייתו – So Abraham rose
up from the face of his loss. In the
language of the Torah, the verb used here, ויקום – literally, he rose up, means “he turned-to and
got on with the business of living.” And
what was that business? Item One
on the To-Do List: see to purchase of
burial plot. Item Two: acquire wife for son. Item Three…and please don’t be shocked! Marry another woman and make more
babies. Yes, as soon as he’d ticked the
boxes on items one and two, Abraham started another family. This, despite his well-advanced age.
I’m not here to
counsel those who have been widowed, to marry again immediately and start a new
family whatever their age. It may,
given the circumstances, be an entirely reasonable progression of events. But the main counsel to be derived from the
Torah is this: get on with the
business of living.
As you probably
know, I have lived in Greece. There, one
sees many women who always wear black and present themselves in a severe manner. They are widows. One doesn’t see many widowers, because men
are usually survived by their wives.
After all, women tend to live longer.
And marry men who are older than them.
So widows are very much in evidence. And once widowed, a woman in traditional Greek
society will don black for the rest of her life. To show her status to the world. To marry again would be unthinkable. A widow rates a very important position of
respect and even veneration in a Greek family.
She ‘gets on with her life’ by accepting the status of widow, and taking
a place alongside her daughter-in-law in the management of her son’s household.
Traditional Muslim
societies are somewhat similar. Phyllis
Chesler, in her book An American Bride in Kabul about her brief and
stormy marriage to an Afghani man in the 1970’s, writes about the – in this
case, multiple – widows of her husband’s father vying for position in
the household.
Torah counsels a
different way for those who would learn from her wisdom. And the counsel is enshrined in Jewish
law. There is an extended period of
mourning dictated for one’s parent. But
not for one’s spouse. One who has been
widowed, is allowed to marry almost immediately. Not required. But allowed. And counselled to do so, if one cannot
face life alone. A man may marry as soon
as the 30 days of mourning have passed. And a woman?
Once 30 days of mourning have passed, and she’s sure she’s not pregnant
by her deceased husband. And the only
reason for that constraint, is so that everybody will thus know the child’s
patrimony.
So it isn’t disloyal
for a widow or widower to turn around and find a new partner shortly after
losing their last one. And for his or her
children to object to the marriage on the basis that they are worried about
their inheritance, is the height of selfishness. It makes a mockery about the importance of the
rest of the surviving parent’s life. It
is neither necessary nor desirable for the widowed person to forget the life
they had with their deceased spouse. But
it is important for their life to continue. To continue to experience moments of
joy. In the most natural way: with a new partner.
Abraham’s actions in
this Torah reading teach us an important lesson for life. We build a life around the partnership with
our spouse. At least, ideally we
do! When we commit to life with someone
else, to make and raise a family, to create years of memories happy and sad, that
becomes the focus of our life. But for
most of us, death does not come concurrently for both spouses. Someone survives the other. Abraham was burdened to survive Sarah. He mourned his loss. He took great pains to give her a proper
burial. Then he turned-to on important
business. He immediately set to the task
of acquiring a wife for Isaac. To
continue his and Sarah’s line. To make
it possible for G-d’s promise to be fulfilled. And then?
He decided that he needed to keep on living.
Other life events,
other than being widowed, may conspire to make us think that our lives are
over. We tend to take bitter disappointments
in life, and see them as markers of endings.
We amplify the bitterness by mourning the life we once had, and what it
meant to us. Instead we should see these
transitions as markers of beginnings.
Every tragic event, no matter how big a disappointment, can be our
doorway into new rooms of happiness and meaning. When we do experience such
disappointments, may we have the strength and courage to see beyond our
disappointment. It doesn’t cheapen the
loss. It just brings meaning to it. Shabbat shalom.
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